Healing ain’t cute

Healing ain’t cute

Healing journeys don’t allow you to be avoidant.

Healing is hard, because we have to face the parts of us that we don’t want to. We have to face the pain, the shame, the guilt, the anger and frustration, and we have to allow mending.

I began my healing journey in 2016. A time when I thought suicide was my only option to freedom. I’d suffered with depression for many years, unbeknownst to my family and friends. I retreated to my room often, slept most of the day, held onto emotions and hurt like they were my best friends. But one day, after a huge fall out with my family, partially to my doing, I felt it was time for me to disappear for good.

I was tired of the pain, tired of the blame…just tired.

Once I was able to fully be by myself, I remember going to a church. I hadn’t been to church in almost 8 years at that time, but I knew I needed to seek God in this manner. I knew, deep down, that He was the only one that could truly lift me from the pit.

This pastor talked about God in a way that I’d never understood before. He talked about how God is relational. He talked about God being personal and how it doesn’t matter what we do or don’t do, it won’t get make us better than anyone else. He spoke about the true love God has for us and how He should be involved in every single moment. Things I was never told growing up in the church.

So, in that moment, I decided to bring him in because I needed to be free.

I cried the ugliest tears known to man. I’m talking Viola Davis tears as God showed me the dark parts of myself that were blocking the life he had for me, and he showed me how to release to him completely.

I’m not going to say I’m completely healed. The beauty about the healing journey is that it’s a journey. There are still things that come up that trigger a part that God is still working on me with. Like, right now, I’m dealing with the aftermath of sexual trauma and people pleasing. Two things that I didn’t even know would connect until now. He’s been exposing things I didn’t even remember, or completely tucked back into my subconscious to be lost in the abyss.

Through all the tears and releasing, I know that ultimately the goal is to be free of this. And I know that God is the only one that can do it.

Doing this on your own will only bring you right back into the loop. Repeating patterns or creating unhealthy ones. The great thing about bringing God into this journey is that you’re not just releasing, but he’s giving you his peace in return. Peace that lets you enjoy the freedom he brings. Where you don’t seek validation, where you don’t get triggered by behaviors, where you allow yourself to be human.

Bringing God into your healing journey does not make the healing journey easier. Matter of fact, it makes it harder because you’re going to have to deal with the ugly parts you shy away from. But the beauty of healing through God, is that you know this is a temporary feeling and it won’t always be what it is today.

One day, you’re going to wake up feeling free. Isn’t that what you want anyway?

XX,

Tanaya

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